Fears & Secrets
Random secret: i crack my sternum every morning.
Fear (*warning: serious subject)
brought on by a tweet from @AndyKim84
chances are, i'm not alone having a hard time articulating fears. :)
James & I watched our fathers pass away last year exactly two months apart. for me, seeing their last breaths had secondary effects compared to: seeing them age, being there in reciprocated roles, staying strong in their presence yet buried in memories, then realizing that something changed, that we've aged along the way too.
If there's a point in our lives when we should learn the true sense of "letting go" of earthly attachments and relationships. I am not there yet.
If I was meant to see the irony in being born with Will, then use the same Will to let go of all we work for, I see it.
Last year was tough, but this year has been splendid, makes Mortality that much harder to digest when things are great.
I love this life. I think I'm afraid of not being able to let go.
or maybe that's just what dying is.
Here is a short video of Christopher Hitchens , one of the great minds of our time (diagnosed with cancer) discussing mortality with Charlie Rose.
I see many people writing "my fear is". Lucky you, having only one fear x)
One of my great fears is simply future. Not knowing where I'm going, what am I going to do, to be. I'm still very young, anyway I must say that future is quite fearsome to me. I had this image of being a boat in the middle of a ocean in a fury, seeing the light of a lighthouse far from me without really knowing if I'm going to reach it or be engulfed in Darkness.
It is an odd thing to be scared of, but I am scared of nothing. I don't mean that I'm not afraid of anything. I mean that I'm afraid of everything that the word nothing could encompass. I'm afraid of dying and there being nothing, no consciousness, just void. I'm afraid of having nothing to show for my existence (other than my horrible English composition skills that shall forever be engraved on the server's hard drives). No mark on humanity. No children to raise to do something good.
Of course. I know that I am already more than nothing. The internet has allowed us an ability to support people we think should be recognized through kick starter and pledge music. So I try to make myself less scared of nothing by helping others create something.
Also, I'm afraid of falling (which apparently is not the same thing as being afraid of heights).
One fear that I have is actually kind of silly...but I'm afraid at least a little bit, that I have already done the most interesting thing I will ever do in my life. These things that I have done, though they were severely interesting, were not necessarily good. In fact, the most vivid moments that filter through my waking and dreaming moments were pretty traumatic. But none can say that they weren't full of excitement.
That life I had, the life of a soldier, seems so far removed from these moments, these days in San Diego. I sit here in my little office looking out the window as the sun reaches over the horizon, and I am thankful. Thankful to not be shivering in the mountains of Afghanistan, or out in the streets of Baghdad. Yet, a part of me misses the visceral feeling of being alive that those places invoked, and the moments that were absolutely hilarious because against all odds, no one got hurt. I can laugh about it, but there will always be the memories of sorrow and agony that lurk in the background.
I don't want the most exciting moments of my life to be tinged with fear and misery. I don't think they will be, old as I am, there's still time enough yet. Still, it's a fear that I carry in this now peaceful life of mine.
random secret: As a kid, when my family would have a garage sale, I would go out to the neighbor's garage sale and buy more useless junk, so we'd end up with more or less the same amount of crap that we started with. Although this probably irritated my parents, they were really good sports about it, and never complained..too much.
I have an overpowering fear of rejection. Not many people know it, but it took me a very long time to get the nerve to post even the most mundane things online. I still feel it. I get devastated when I write notes to people and they don't respond. I search through my posts for hours trying to find out what it was I said to alienate someone. On the other edge of that sword is that I hold so many people in awe and being rejected by them is debilitating. So if you don't see me around, it's because I think you're larger than life and I am small.
thuff7, you're not alone there. I still get it from time to time along with the obsessive rechecking for replies in case someone takes what I have written the wrong way. It has taken me months to get the nerve up to post here. It's become an exercise in forcing myself to be more social and stop worrying about what I say so much.
My second biggest fear is that I will never have my own family because my mental health problems combined with naturally occurring introversion can make me more than a little difficult to live with. And I won't inflict that on anyone.
no worries, guys :) it's all love here
Thanks, Swifty. Please ignore the previous post as it came from a dark, dark, dark period in an otherwise happy life. My apologies for inflicting it upon the good folk here.
Be well, hear music and dance like you mean it! <3
on a less philosophical note
I hate freaking clowns, they be scurry....
my biggest fear is definitely failure.. i tend to hold myself back.. i never wanna give my all because if i do and fail, then that just means i suck at life. but if i don't give my all, then i always have a built-in excuse when things don't do my way.
average is not enough for me, but i'm scared of chasing greatness.
but lucky for me..i have a reminder on my arm that tells me not to let anything hold me back. ;)
random: i will jump out of any plane, bungee off any bridge, but i am scared of the deep waters... i fear drowning. at least jack froze to death before being let go! (titanic)
fear: living after an immediate family member's death. i have both my parents, a younger brother (by a year), a baby sister (who's actually 13) and i CANNOT imagine life without one of them. i know i shouldn't be thinking about it, but it creeps into my mind once in a while and it scares the stuffing out of me. i love my family very much, i would much rather go before any of them... and that thinking usually leads me into deeper thoughts -.- but, yea.
I think my biggest fear...is probably failure. I tend to lose confidence whenever I fail.
When I was younger, I taught myself not to cry for anything- even family members' funerals because I was laughed at for crying at every little thing in elementary school; whether someone stole my snack, or I didn't do my homework. I wanted to save myself from that embarassment.
I think the years of emotional repression finally caught up with me though, as a little more than a year ago, I cried every single day at random moments without warning, then I'd cry harder because I didn't know why I would cry. It's slowly improved from every couple days, to once a week, and these days I can usually go for 2-3 weeks without crying, but it's still very tough.
I feel like I don't take hold of situations as best as I should, so I cry about it and it makes it worse.
[Not to mention there's the whole 'you're a guy. You can't cry over anything' stereotype]
It's gotten better though...=/ =)?
i like to pretend that i dont care but actually i do and i'm very emotional but i dont express them. I am not good at expressing my feelings.
These afew days i have been on the road and met alot of people. I had alot of time to think about myself and my life. I realize that my ultimate fear is to lose people... i never let anyone close to me physically and emotionally because i know that i have to leave them one day, me having to move around very often. so i push them away when i start to feel some closure. how ironic. sometime i dream about standing in the middle of the graveyard, surrounded by the tombstone of my loved ones, their names vividly curves into the stones. one of the reasons why i try to be funny is that it let me blend/fit in very quickly.
i had an awesome weekend with kinerds last weekend. it was very hard to see them go. i never knew that spending a weekend with some special people would have so much affect on me. <3
you know you're happy/loved when you cant go to sleep, because reality is finally better than a dream :)
i'm grateful for having you all in my life <3
I have two fears in life. One less serious but scary, falling off of a bridge in a car. It has always scared me for some reason when I go over a bridge. Second more serious since Jane so kindly explained her story. The other fear is not having enough time on this earth with the people I love. My mom passed away when I was 10 years old in a car accident and it's been one whirlwind experience since then. The time spent was just too short, for her and for us with her. In response to Jane's comment, you never really get over it and never really let go because they'll always be there with you. However, you do learn to live without them, as hard as it is. When people leave, it means their time here was completed and just makes me think what more we all have to accomplish on this earth. <3
:) thanks for sharing